Gaslighting: Identifying Tactics and Protecting Yourself

Have you ever had a conversation that made you question what’s real? No, we’re not talking about philosophical or spiritual discussions, but something much more insidious—gaslighting. This form of emotional manipulation can make you doubt your reality, and it’s more common than you might think. In this article, we’ll explore the different types of gaslighting, the phases it goes through, and common phrases used by gaslighters to control their victims. By the end, you’ll have my top tip for dealing with gaslighting effectively, and trust me, it’s something simple but impactful.

What Is Gaslighting?

Before diving deeper, let’s start with a clear understanding of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where one person makes another doubt their perceptions, memories, or reality. The term comes from the 1944 movie *Gaslight*, where the male protagonist manipulates his wife into thinking she’s losing her sanity. Though it’s not always as dramatic, gaslighting can still be incredibly damaging, eroding the victim’s confidence and emotional stability.
Gaslighting can come in many forms, but the core goal is the same—to undermine a person’s sense of reality, making them question their thoughts and feelings.

The Two Types of Gaslighting

There are two main types of gaslighting: **unintentional** and **malicious**. Both have harmful effects, but they differ in motivation and awareness.

Unintentional Gaslighting

Unintentional gaslighting occurs when someone dismisses or invalidates another’s feelings without intending harm. Parents might do this to children with the best intentions, or a friend might unknowingly minimize your struggle. For example, imagine a child falls and scrapes their knee. The parent might say, “It’s not that bad, stop overreacting.” While the parent is trying to teach resilience, they’re also dismissing the child’s reality. For that child, it might be the worst pain they’ve ever experienced, but they are told it isn’t real.
Similarly, you might tell a friend about a project you’re struggling with, only to hear, “That’s easy, I don’t know why you’re having trouble.” This might seem like a harmless comment, but it invalidates your difficulty and makes you question your abilities.

Malicious Gaslighting

Malicious gaslighting, on the other hand, is a deliberate form of manipulation. The abuser knows what they’re doing and uses it to control their victim. They might not explicitly think, “I’m going to gaslight this person,” but their goal is to make you doubt yourself so they can maintain power. Emotional abusers, particularly narcissists, often engage in this form of gaslighting.
This type of gaslighting is intentional, manipulative, and designed to make you feel confused or weak. In emotionally abusive relationships, it’s one of the most powerful tools the abuser has to make their victim feel powerless.

The Three Phases of Gaslighting

According to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, there are three distinct phases in a relationship involving gaslighting. These phases can overlap and shift, but they generally follow this pattern: disbelief, defense, and depression.

Phase 1: Disbelief

In the disbelief phase, the gaslighting starts to become noticeable, but you’re still unsure if it’s intentional. You might think, “They didn’t mean it like that,” or, “Maybe I misunderstood.” You start making excuses for the person’s behavior, trying to rationalize their comments or actions. While you might feel hurt, you don’t yet realize the full extent of the manipulation.

Phase 2: Defense

As gaslighting continues, you enter the defense phase. At this point, you’re losing confidence in your own perceptions and begin defending yourself. You might find yourself in arguments where you say, “I know what I saw!” or, “I remember exactly what happened!” You present evidence, but the gaslighter dismisses or distorts it, making you feel even more unsure of your reality.

Phase 3: Depression

In the final phase, depression, the gaslighting has fully taken hold. You’ve lost faith in your ability to make decisions or trust your memory. You become withdrawn, anxious, and unsure of yourself. At this point, the gaslighter has succeeded in making you feel dependent on them for your sense of reality.

Common Gaslighting Phrases

If you’re in a relationship or dealing with a gaslighter, certain phrases are commonly used to manipulate and control. Here are a few that might sound familiar, along with slight variations you could encounter.

1. “You’re too sensitive.”

One of the most common gaslighting tactics is to make you feel like your reactions are exaggerated. When someone tells you, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” they’re trying to downplay your feelings. In reality, your feelings are valid, but the gaslighter wants you to believe otherwise.

2. “I never said that.”

Gaslighters love to rewrite history. You’ll confront them about something they said or did, and they’ll flat-out deny it. “I never said that,” or, “I don’t remember saying that,” are ways they manipulate you into questioning your memory. This tactic makes you feel like you can’t trust your recollections.

3. “You’re imagining things.”

When you catch a gaslighter in a lie, they often flip the narrative and accuse you of being the problem. Phrases like, “You’re just imagining it,” or, “You’re overthinking,” are ways to make you feel like your concerns are baseless. Over time, this chips away at your confidence.

4. “It’s your fault.”

Gaslighters rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they turn the blame onto you. “If you weren’t so insecure, I wouldn’t have to lie.” This phrase not only deflects responsibility but makes you feel guilty for their behavior.

How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting

So, how do you deal with gaslighting? The single most effective way to protect yourself is simple: **walk away**. Once you identify gaslighting in a conversation or relationship, disengage. Arguing with a gaslighter won’t help because they’re not interested in the truth. Their goal is to confuse and control, so the best strategy is to remove yourself from the situation. If you can’t avoid them altogether, set firm boundaries and refuse to engage in their manipulative tactics.

Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Reality

Gaslighting is a powerful form of manipulation, but by recognizing the signs, you can protect yourself. Whether the gaslighting is unintentional or malicious, the damage is real. Pay attention to patterns, trust your instincts, and don’t hesitate to remove yourself from toxic situations. Gaslighting can erode your sense of self-worth, but with awareness and action, you can reclaim your reality and confidence.
For more insights on how to navigate toxic relationships, check out this video: Gaslighting Types, Phases & Phrases: Don’t Fall for these Gaslighting Tactics.